IF YOU WANNA KILL YOUR MARRIAGE, JUST DO THIS TO YOUR HUBBY

If some of you ladies want to know how you can suck the life out of your marriage and drive your husband to insanity … or to the bar … or into the arms of another woman … or to a divorce attorney … or just shrivel him up into a conquered quail who inwardly loathes you as he dies a slow, emotionally tortuous death, well then … this is your lucky day.

Here are 10 surefire principles that’ll make your husband more miserable:

NAG YOUR HUSBAND
Nagging is an awesome instrument in the Torture Your Husband Toolbox. For a wife to be effective at draining a husband’s love for her and, for life itself, she must not buy into this “loving, sweet, polite and patient” goofiness towards him. On the contrary, she must be a nerve grating, contentious, non-stop dripping faucet of fault-finding and finger pointing. Ladies, if you run out of things to nag your husband about, turn your spurn towards politics, church, culture, friends, neighbours, weather, work, or your children. It doesn’t matter what you blather about—just blather. The point is to become a persistent source of audio pain in your husband’s brain.

CRITICIZE YOUR HUSBAND IN PUBLIC
Waling on your husband in private is good, but it is incomplete. What you’ve got to do, devil woman, is go the next step and publicly shame him. Melt him down when you’re out on the town. Is he going bald, talk about it and how you don’t like it. Does he have a little beer belly? Call him a pig and compare him to The Beast. Did he have a financial set back? Tell your friends! Become a big mouth at indiscriminately unveiling anything about your spouse that’ll cause him to want to jump in front of a speeding bus.

KEEP HIM ON A SHORT LEASH
Better yet - a choke chain. Your goal is three-fold: make your man to feel, fear and heel to your wrath. You’ve got to verbally shackle him to your commands. Make him believe like he can’t sit, stand, play, think, speak or spend money unless you, the queen condor, allow him to. By short leashing your husband with an exacting set of laws, you will, in short order, morph in his head from being his lover to being his mother. This masochistic machination of insane restrictions will make your man feel like a stupid son, controlled by you, his new petulant mummy. Forever gone will be the friend, fan, soul mate and confidant stuff that initially drew the two of you together. Forever gone will be the friend, fan, soul mate and confidant stuff that initially drew the two of you together.

BECOME A DRAMA QUEEN
Another thing that’ll make your husband long to be stranded at the Msimbazi Round About with no where to look at, and no one to keep him company is, become a drama mama. Yes, your goal, ghoulfriend, is to ratchet up every situation so that you emotionally drain your man. Make the atmosphere of your home tense. Make everything, especially the small things, turn into a five alarm fire. The thing drama queens do so effectively is jack up the stress levels in the relationship. This, naturally, robs the relationship of the fertile presence of peace. This redlining, high RPM spirit will stretch his nerves more out of shape.

HATE HIS FRIENDS
Separate your husband from his comrades quickly. You mustn’t allow your husband to hang out with anyone but you. Sever those relational ties your companion has with those who have walked to hell and back with him because now, yes now . . . it’s all about you. You especially want to steer him clear of friends who feel the liberty and responsibility to shed light on you, the whacked wife. In addition, get your guy away from those buddies who have amazing and gracious wives or girlfriends. “Why?” you ask. Well, a loving, caring and an affirming couple will expose your broom riding proclivities and put needed pressure on you to dial freaking down. Remember and beware: trusted and wise friends are able to bring perspective to marital mayhem.

HATE HIS HOBBY
Keeping the husband from his friends is not enough because your husband still has an out in his hobby. Your goal is to joy steal anywhere pleasure can be had, and it is here that hobbies figure in greatly. Therefore, set your cross hairs immediately upon that which flicks his diversionary switch. You don’t want him to enjoy anything that you don’t like. Your duty: remove any recourse he has to find solace in something. Additionally, hobbies create relationships built around shared likes, and remember, your goal is to keep him on a choke chain, with no comrades, sequestered in the house to listen to you moo. Never, under any circumstance, take an interest in his interests, encourage him in his pursuits and just simply let the boy play, as this understanding spirit could actually make him take a shining’ to you and you wouldn’t want that to happen.

CUT HIM OFF SEXUALLY
Another great way to make your man hit a depressed state is to cut him off from hot relations. I mean, give him nada. Guys will stomach some nagging, getting short leashed, multitudinous Naomi Campbellesque dramatic outbursts and your general disinterest of his interests—as long as you rock his world in the bedroom. Yes, most men are that easy. Under no circumstances should you show appreciation, be tender, fun, amorous and adventurous or do any other thing that’ll keep the love flame lit. TLC, if injected into the marriage mix, will cause the two of you to have a healthy sexual relationship, which obviously helps a marriage (plus burns calories)—and that would completely derail your desires for marital misery.

GET YOUR SIBLINGS INVOLVED IN YOUR MARRIAGE
Forget this leave and cleave stuff the Bible dictates. If you want your union to unravel then you’ve got to gang tackle your husband with la familia. For example: if you, as a couple, have a major decision to make, seek counsel and opinions only from your mom and dad, rather than your husband. This will give him that stooge/stepchild feeling of useless stupidity that is, a great alienating agent.

NEVER APOLOGIZE
If, in the odd event you do something that hurts your husband, or … say the unlikely occasion arises where you were woefully and ridiculously wrong on an issue, never, I mean never, under any circumstance, apologize for anything. Why should you say you’re sorry? You … apologize? Please. Whether it’s low blood sugar or the vast ring wing conspiracy, you, the marital femme fatale, are fortunate to live in the 21st century. In this therapeutic age you are afforded excuses aplenty that will help you destroy your marriage by never owning or asking for forgiveness for your hellish behavior.

LOOK UGLY
Women come in all shapes and sizes. The majority of men that I know (who love the testosterone, heterosexual, God-blessed fog in which they dwell) really like women. That is, as long as the ladies take care of what the good Lord has given them. The successful marriages I’ve seen know and abide by this golden nugget: always look your best … to constantly attract and show respect for your mate. It also aids in not terrifying dogs and small children.

“The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands.” - King Solomon, Proverbs 14.1. And do you mind if I say this; "Well-behaved women rarely make history."